I wanted to call this page Words of Wisdom. Unfortunately, it wouldn't fit on the button. Oh well! Enjoy anyway!
Boys are like parking lots. The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. |
| The grass is always greener over the septic tank. |
| Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out. |
| True friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. |
| I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." |
| I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. |
| Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. |
| There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? |
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. |
| Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
| A penny saved is ridiculous. |
| It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door. |
| A witty saying proves nothing. |
| It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. |
| The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. |
| The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. |
| If you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes. |
| Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. |
| The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. |
| It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
| It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
| Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! |
| The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. |
| When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
| Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. |
| You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted! |
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.' |
| Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. |
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. |
| Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? |
| Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. |
| Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. |
| Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. |
| When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. |
| Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. |
| The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. |
| Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. |
| He who laughs last didn't get it. |
| When there's a will, I want to be in it. |
| After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." |
| Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. |
| The road to success is always under construction. |
| Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. |
| If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives. |
| Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? |
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. |
