TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

BLONDE IN A SNOW STORM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, since she had been following him for a long time.

She said she was fine and told him her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

BLONDE AND ALLIGATOR

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

BLONDE EXAM

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

CANADA (This one's for you Josh!)

On the sixth day, God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

SPEAKING CLEARLY

Born and raised in Boston aristocracy, the traveler always felt it his duty to correct the language of those around him.

In line at an airline counter in Atlanta, an unintelligible rush of language, dialect and other jargon confronted him. Thoroughly confused, he didn't know where to start the inevitable criticism.

Finally, in exasperation, he observed, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English."

"We do," replied the young woman behind the counter.

"Well, it's not the King's English," he protested.

"Sure it is," the woman responded. "Elvis was a Southerner."

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK'S BEEN WORKING ON YOUR COMPUTER

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing e-mails have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored
in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba."

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

AMAZING PIG

A man was visiting his friend's farm. He got out of his car and while heading for the door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

His curiosity roused, once he got inside, he asked, "How'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh?"

"No, he was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well," the farmer told him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

WAYSIDE CHAPEL (W.C)

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C., "being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

Dear Madame,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,

The Schoolmaster

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

GUARANTEED DELIVERY

An older woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."

He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."

A YOUNG EXECUTIVE AND HIS BOSS

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 pm, he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Big Boss asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Big Boss and feeds it in.

"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy…"

BUYING A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm  thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say  I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do  I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
"W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with  some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

 

MORMON CENSUS FORM

1. _____________________ (Given name)

2. _____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve _____

B. Cain and Abel _____

C. Laman and Lemuel _____

D. Laurel and Hardy _____

4. Tribe: _____________________

5. Number of occupants in home:

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary _____

C. Senior Primary _____

D. Young Women’s _____

E. Young Men’s _____

F. Relief Society _____

G. Elder _____

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation:

A. Amway dealer _____

B. Shaklee dealer _____

C. Nonie juice dealer _____

D. NuSkin dealer _____

E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____

B. Van _____

C. Suburban _____

D. School Bus _____

E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____

B. Hometown Buffet _____

C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____

B. Abinadi _____

C. Samuel the Lamanite _____

D. Steve Young _____

E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures _____

B. Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____

D. Lifesavers _____

E. Tic Tacs _____

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. Cooler _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance _____

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. During Sacrament Meeting _____

F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____

G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____

H. Just wing it _____

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

Big Gulp holders: yes___ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______

B. 31st ______

C. 31st ______

D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 _____

C. 20-30 _____

D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along _____

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Jello salad _____

B. Funeral potatoes _____

C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____

D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants _____

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand _____

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz _____

B. Fort Knox _____

C. Ward Libraries _____

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____

B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game _____

MORMON STOCKS ON THE RISE

Keep an eye on these products. Their success has caused their companies to consider going public:

Never-Fail Blazer B Straightjackets

24-Hour Caffeine Coke Intravenous Feeding Tubes

Chocolate Candy Bar Patches

Parents-Of-Teenagers-Don’t-Want-To-Survive-al Kits

General Conf./Lake Powell Vacation Packages

Already-Filled-To-Overwhelming Daytimers

Catalogue of Scout Cheers Everyone Will Be Proud Of

The Relief Society’s One and Only True Casserole Cook Book

High Councilman Smelling Salts

Disposable Library Supplies

Chalk and Eraser Key Chains

Ward Basketball Boomerang Folding Chairs

Sacrament-Meeting-Look-Wide-Awake-Eyelid-Covers

End Of The Month Home/Visiting Teaching Emergency Services

Fast Sunday Seven Course Meal Chewing Gum

CTR Ring-Shaped Swimming Pools

Basketball Referee Boot Camps

Triple Combination TV/CellPhone/Soda Scripture Bags

Never-Fail Sabbath Day Shopping Disguises

Young Men/Young Women’s Bathroom Detector Security Cameras

Life-Size Primary Teacher Substitute Cardboard Figures

Anti-Infectious/Waterproof Nursery Leader Uniforms (mask and gloves included)

One-Line-Fits-All Adam and Eve Pedigree Charts

PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

RING......

RING......

RING......

CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

SANTA YELLLING

I heard Santa yell as he rode off into the night sky. It turns out he was actually talking to the reindeer. He said: "Wait til I get on the sled you fools!"

BABY TURTLE

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"